


Beam me up

by Scream



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: F/M, sobbing as I wrote this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-04
Updated: 2014-05-04
Packaged: 2018-01-21 21:08:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1564145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scream/pseuds/Scream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Harry was ten, his mother told him that he couldn't have a hamster, unless he knew how to take care of it. When he was 13, his mother sat him down and told him that a girl was just like Harry's hamster. If he didn't know how to take care of a girlfriend, he shouldn't have one. When Harry turned 16, he found the love of his life. And he knew that he had to take good care of her, because he'd been told so already. Harry loved Kelly with all his heart, and he made sure to show it. Every single moment of every single day. When Harry turned 22, Kelly got sick. She got so sick that she had to go away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beam me up

**Author's Note:**

> Well.. I cried while writing this.. I cried while editing this.. Maybe because it reminded me a little of when my aunt died. The speech was hard for me to write. But I hope you like it.

"Are you ready?" Louis asked concerned and popped his head in. Harry shook his curls one last time, before he walked out the door.

"I'm not ready, but I still have a five minutes drive," he joked dryly and locked the front door to what had once been both Harry and Kelly's house - now Harry was the house's only owner. He definitely wasn't ready. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that he had to say goodbye to Kelly now.

"I drove by the church this morning. It looked really beautiful," Louis tried, but Harry didn't really feel like talking.

"I appreciate what you're doing, Lou. But I just need to sit in my misery for a moment," Harry declared. And so they drove in silence. A few tears made their way down Harry's cheeks, before he wiped them away. He wasn't going to cry, not yet.

"We're here," Louis said and parked the car. Outside Harry could see Kelly's entire family and the rest of Harry's best friends. As if he was on autopilot Harry got out of the car and walked over.

"Mrs. Hastings," Harry said polite and shook her hand.

"Stop that nonsense!" said Mrs. Hastings and pulled Harry in for a tight hug. She sobbed into his shoulder, and Harry let her. He couldn't even imagine her pain from the loss of her daughter. Harry felt numb. As if his heart had died with Kelly, but that made no sense, because Harry could feel his heart beat.

"Let's go inside," Mr. Hastings said and shook Harry's hand, before helping his crying wife inside.

"I'm sorry, mate." Niall hugged Harry tight and patted Harry's back. Liam and Zayn did the same. Louis placed his arm around Harry and guided him inside the church along with his brothers. He needed them now more than ever. Inside there were so many people that Harry felt the claustrophobia hit him. He was about to turn around and run, when Kelly's little sister, Carrie, grabbed his hand. Harry looked down at her, but all he saw was the ghost of Kelly. The resemblance was incredible. Carrie sent Harry a brave smile and dragged him up to the first bench row.

"Will you sit next to me?" she asked and looked at him with her big blue eyes.

"Sure," Harry said and sat down next to Carrie, who kept his hand in hers. Not that Harry minded it.

"We are gathered here today to honor the memory of Kelly Hastings..." Harry shut down and focused on Carrie's blond curls rather than the priest's speech. He didn't need to hear it.

"Now if anyone wants to say anything...?" This time Harry looked up. Without realizing he'd already gotten up and was heading towards the coffin. It was white with blue roses on top. That had been Kelly's favorite flowers. Harry cleared his throat before looking out at the people gathered to remember Kelly one last time.

"Hello, I'm Harry. Kelly's boyfriend." A moment passed before Harry could say anything again.

"I was up half the night trying to write a speech, but I just couldn't get it right. That's when it hit me; my words should be from the heart. Not something I read from a piece of paper," Harry smiled through the tears, "Kelly would've loved this. She would've loved the attention, she would've loved having her family and friends brought together. She was a good person, who was taking from us way too soon. I know that even though Kelly isn't here anymore, walking around among us, she is where she belongs. She's among angels, and Kelly... Kelly was an angel. Her laughter, her smile. Just seeing her could lift my mood up. She was kind, smart, and she will be remembered. Because she will always be in our hearts. That's something I'm sure of. I can't tell what the future brings, but I know that Kelly will be looking down, laughing at me every time I make a mistake or fall on my butt." The last sentence made Carrie giggle along with a few others.

"Kelly will be here, when I'm happy, when I'm sad, and when I simply miss her." Harry couldn't hold the tears back any longer. Louis was about to get up, but Carrie beat him to it. With tears in her eyes Carrie walked up, grabbed Harry's hand and squeezed it. Only 12 years old, Harry thought. It really wasn't fair that Kelly wasn't here. Slowly Harry and Carrie found their way to the bench again. The second Harry sat down, he felt Louis' warm hand pat his shoulder. Not knowing what to say Harry simply placed his hand on Louis'. Carrie was still holding a tight grip on Harry's other hand. Soon he felt all his band mates put a hand on his shoulders. And in that exact moment Harry knew that he might not feel alright now, but he would. Things would be okay. He would never love anyone like he'd loved Kelly, he probably wouldn't meet a girl who could make his heart beat like Kelly, but he would be okay. Harry was going to make it.

 

Before Harry knew of it, it was time to lift the coffin. He got up from his seat and slowly walked over to the white coffin. For a moment he feared that he wouldn't have any strength, but then he took a deep breath and grabbed the handle. He closed his eyes as they lifted the coffin up. Harry, Mr. Hastings, cousin Brandon and Kelly's grandfather Bob all started moving as one, when they walked down the church aisle. Even Mr. Hastings was crying now - silent tears falling down. Carrie walked beside Harry also in silence. As Harry and the others reached the end of the aisle, everyone else got up and followed them. With a heavy heart Harry realized this was real. It had felt so unreal ever since he'd been told that Kelly hadn't made it. But this was real, and Harry wasn't going to see Kelly again. The thought gave Harry a need to sit down and hold his legs up to his chest while crying like a five year old. This time it was Harry who reached for Carrie's hand. He needed something that would keep him strong. It took Harry all he had to let the coffin go, once it was at place. As he watched it sink into the ground, he felt the tears stream down. This really wasn't fair, Harry thought. And then he thought, no matter how many times he thought that or said it to himself, then it wouldn't change a thing. Kelly would still be dead, Harry would still be heartbroken.

"I'm really gonna miss you, you know that right?" Harry admitted quietly to the coffin. Of course Harry didn't receive an answer, but he liked to believe that Kelly knew. And that Kelly would miss him just as much. At first Harry didn't even notice Louis' hand slowly grabbing his shoulder.

"It's time to say goodbye," he whispered apologetic. Harry just nodded and kneeled down.

"I'm going to give you this ring, okay. It was my grandma's, and she loved it very much. Almost as much as I love you. She gave it to me when I was 15, because she wanted me to give it to my one and only when it was time. I never thought it was the right time to give it to you, but I guess there really wasn't a right time. I was just scared what it would mean, if I gave it to you. I shouldn't have been so scared. Better way too late than never, right?" With the last ounce of strength in Harry's body, he threw the ring down the hole and sobbed one time. Then he bit his lips real hard and got up. Harry really should stop being such a sissy.

 

"You want me to stay," Louis asked as he dropped Harry off.

"It's fine, I would like to just be alone. Call you later?"

"Sure. But if you need anything, I'm here, man. You don't have to go through this alone." Harry almost broke down right there. But yet again he pulled himself together and even managed to put a fake smile on his lips.

"I just need some time alone. I'll call if there's anything." Harry was about to get out of the car, when Louis spoke, "Just don't become a stranger." One last time Harry nodded and got out. Then he walked up to the door and waited until Louis started driving. Then Harry turned around and walked right back to the cemetery. It was a long walk, but Harry needed the air. He took a deep breath and let his eyes gaze upon the tombstones. Which one was hers? Slowly he walked around and looked, but he didn't get far. Blinded by tears he sat down next to a tree and leaned against it.  He couldn't do this. Not today, maybe not any day. Just the thought of going to her grave, bringing flowers, and talking to her knowing that she wouldn't answer. After a while Harry stopped crying and got his breathing under control. But he didn't get up. Right now he couldn't feel his legs, so he was scared that they might fail him, if he attempted to stand. So he just sat there. For a while his mind was empty. Then he thought about Kelly and about her family and how sad they would be right now. After that he stopped thinking again, it was nicer that way. Harry sat by the tree for a long time. He didn't have the energy to get up, and honestly Harry didn't want to get up. Because getting up would mean that he had to participate in life again. Sitting by that tree made Harry think that maybe time had stopped. Maybe he could sit by that tree forever and never go back to his real life anymore. But things don't last forever, and Harry knew that. So he slowly got up and looked around. Maybe this hadn't been a good idea, Harry wasn't ready to talk to a stone. The stone wasn't his - now dead - girlfriend. It couldn't answer him back, it couldn't laugh at his jokes whenever Harry told them. Basically the stone wasn't Kelly. Therefore Harry decided to walk back to his house. The walk felt longer as Harry walked home than it did the other way. Nevertheless Harry managed to get himself home. He grabbed a bottle of water and collapsed on the sofa. He zapped through every single channel on TV, but nothing seemed remotely interesting. So Harry turned the TV off and reached for his iPod laying on the table right next to him. Once he'd turned it on, he then pressed play and listened to Beam me up by Pink.

 

_Saw a blackbird soarin' in the sky,_

_Barely a breath I caught one last sight._

_Tell me that was you sayin' goodbye._

_There are times I feel the shiver and cold,_

_It only happens when I'm on my own._

_That's how you tell me I'm not alone._

_Could you beam me up?_

_Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it._

_I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face._

_Beam me up._

_Let me lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,_

_I think a minute's enough._

_Just beam me up._

By the time the song ended Harry was sleeping heavily in the little couch. One thing was sure; his back would hurt like hell tomorrow.

 

"Harry, open the door," someone yelled and disrupted Harry's sleep. Groggy Harry checked the clock. He'd barely slept for five minutes before being interrupted. Whoever was at the door right now; fuck that person. Irritated Harry got up and opened the door. There she was standing. Kelly.

"But..." Harry stuttered and reached for her arm to see, if his hand would go straight through. Of course Harry did and the illusion of Kelly disappeared.

"No, please stay with me," Harry begged, but he was alone. Kelly had never been there. Frustrated Harry grabbed the nearest pillow and screamed all he could while covering his face with the pillow. Several times Harry rubbed his fingers around in his hair and let out deep sighs.

"I'm not going crazy," Harry whispered to himself, closing his eyes. But what if he was? Afterall he was seeing Kelly, and Kelly was dead.

 

*****

 

"Harry! Open the fucking door!" Niall yelled and banged the door. But Harry didn't want to. It'd been a week since the funeral, but Harry still felt the same - empty.

"No," he protested weakly and stayed right were he was. In the shower. It wasn't on or anything, Harry just always went there to think. Ever since he turned nine and heard his parents fight for the first time, he'd always gone into the shower whenever he felt sad.

"Please," Niall pleaded and stopped banging the door. A moment later Harry heard the lock turn and the door open.

"I'm coming in, Harry." Of course Niall found the spare key. Maybe Harry should find another hiding place for it. When Niall immediately found him, Harry guessed it was because Niall knew him so well. But Harry didn't really want to talk to Niall, because Niall wouldn't understand - not really. Carrie would understand, Harry thought. She'd lost Kelly, too. Harry knew that Niall had lost Kelly as well, but he never knew Kelly the way Harry did - or the way Carrie did. And honestly Harry wasn't ready to talk. He just needed to cry and because of that need, he leaned over and hugged Niall tight.

"I miss her so much," he said gasping for air.

"I know, mate. I know." And that was all they said to each other. For two hours Niall held Harry, while Harry cried. And in the moment Harry knew that Niall was the most understanding and incredible person he'd ever met.

 

*8 years later.*

 

"Hey babe," Harry mumbled as he got down on his knees and smiled sadly. Of course the gravestone didn't answer him, but he'd gotten use to it. He's black pants quickly got dirty when they touched to ground, but he didn't care. He just wanted to talk a little with Kelly.

"I know, I haven't been here much lately, but things are just so busy. Between spending time with family and friends and the career, I guess time for you just wasn't an option. I'm sorry." Harry wasn't really much for talking to a grave, but in the last years he'd experienced that talking to the grave was the closest he got to Kelly, and that was good enough for him. So he ignored his brain telling him to go home and kept talking.

"Carrie's doing amazing. She's trying to write a book. It's just unbelievable. Suddenly it seems like everything's happened so fast. Liam's got two children already with Danielle. Louis and Eleanor are still trying, but it just won't work for them. That makes me sad." And it did, because Harry just wanted Louis to be happy more than any other.

"I don't know how you're going to take what I'm about to tell you, but I like to think that you'll be happy for me, because I'd be happy for you. I found a girl. Her name is Amy, and she's really nice. She's no you, but I don't think she wants to be. After I told her about you, she just held me close and said that she didn't want to take your place, she was just asking for me to give her a piece of my heart, just as she had given her entire heart to me. So I did, but most of it is still with you." For a moment Harry had to stop, because his feelings were overwhelming him.

"It makes me sad to know that she settles for what I can give her, because she deserves a man who can give her everything she wants. I don't know if I can do that. Maybe someday." And Harry knew that someday was far away, but it was the best he could offer any girl right now. Even though it had been 8 years already, Harry wasn't ready to move on. How do you even move on?

" _I miss you_ ," it seemed as though the wind said and Harry was sure that Kelly was watching over him and was happy for him.

"I miss you, too," Harry said. Yes, someday he would give his heart to Amy, and he would love her like Amy deserved to be loved.


End file.
